


Regrets

by Hikikomori_Ho



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/M, HyungWonho - Freeform, M/M, Please Don't Kill Me, it's short so every member is kindda mentioned?, sadfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-08-23 21:48:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16627031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hikikomori_Ho/pseuds/Hikikomori_Ho
Summary: The past won't change. the broken heart can never heal.





	Regrets

He knew he was the one that said he’d wish they’d always stay together but in the end he was the one who left first.

 

It wasn’t an easy decision to make. He had to leave his love for performing, his love for his fans and the six boys that now were closer than family to him behind.

 

He didn’t say a word. He didn’t say goodbye. Not because he didn’t care but because he cared too much. He was afraid the members could convince him to stay. That he didn’t want to happen.

 

He spent his last days hanging out full time with the boys. They went everywhere together. He bought them some gifts and when they asked what the reason of the sudden affection was, he’d say he was just happy and thankful and wanted to show it. 

 

On his last night he came back from visiting his family later than usual. It was almost 2 A.M when he entered the dorm. The kitchen light was on. He thought one of the boys had forgotten to turn it off so when he found hyungwon sitting there he was a little surprised. The boy never stayed up that late. He didn’t wanna disturb the boy, so without saying a word, he went to take his bottle from the fridge. The latter seemed to finally notice his presence now.

“ Oh hyung, you’re home.” 

“ Yeah, why are you still awake? “ 

“ I.. wanted to talk to you.” 

He looked at him for a moment, before sitting down in front of him. “ spill” 

“ What’s going on? “ hyungwon suddenly asked him.

“ What do you mean? “ he asked cuz he had no idea what the other was talking about.

“ I know you hoseok. Skipping your gym time to spend more time with us, buying things that would last forever, saying how thankful you are… what is all this? “ 

“ Nothing! Is it a crime to want to spend some quality time with my friends? “ 

“ You can’t fool me hoseok, I dated you, remember? i know you better than yourself.” 

Yes, they dated, yes he still loved him and yes hyungwon broke his heart. He shattered it into millions of pieces.

“ I know, you knew me well enough to know the exact way to crush my soul in the most crucial way.” 

“ I didn’t mean to… I said I’m sorry a million times already.” 

“ Yeah well sorry won’t cut it.” 

He wasn’t sure if he was overreacting. What would others do in his situation? Would he forgive and forget? Would they be able to move on? Would they be able to stay and look at the person who hurt them every second of every day? He didn’t know and honestly, he didn’t care anymore. He had given his all to make things work. For his group, for his fans and for the love of his life. But life was a little piece of shit and he didn’t have the power to struggle anymore.

“ Hyung, do you really hate me that much? yes you have spent these last days with us 24/7 although I had to beg you to come home early from the studio when we were dating, and yes you bought me something, but not once did you look at me. you haven’t even called my name for the past three months.” 

he didn’t have anything to say. What could he say? That he was hurt all over again every time he saw the younger? That he couldn’t bring himself to call his name because every memory they had would come rushing back to him? He didn’t wanna say anything cuz he was too tired for another fight. And he also didn’t want their very last time talking together being spent with a fight.

Hyungwon kept looking at him. He could tell, although he wasn’t looking at the other. 

“ Wow, now you don’t even reply me anymore, you don’t even fight me anymore. You know it would be better if you’d just keep shouting and getting angry at me like those two months you did before these three months of radio silence.” 

“ What do you want me to say?” 

“ Anything! Any goddamn thing would do hoseok. Shout if you want to, punch me if it helps.” 

“ Helps? Helps with what? you broke my heart and there’s nothing that can ‘help’ undo it. punch you? How could I punch the person I loved with all my heart? I don’t know what you want from me but please just quit. I don’t wanna do this anymore.”

“ Loved? So you don’t love me anymore?” 

“ You don’t have the right to ask that. I’m going to bed. You should too, you have a tight schedule tomorrow.” 

He stood up from his seat to leave. But he was frozen in his spot when he heard hyungwon saying “ you’re leaving, aren’t you?” It somehow broke his heart. It broke the parts he didn’t know was still untouched. He didn’t wanna leave. But he couldn’t stay any longer. He decided to look at him for one last time. He can still remember the amount of sorrow in the other’s eyes. All he could say was “ goodnight hyungwon.”

 

And that was it. The next day while others were out, he packed and left. He didn’t even leave a note cuz he had said everything he needed to say to them already. He had informed the company beforehand and told them to tell the guys after he had left. He didn’t bring his phone with him, cuz he didn’t want anyone from his past. Cuz anyone would lead to ‘him’. And he didn’t want him in his life anymore.

 

 

It had been five years ever since he left. He would get tempted to check out the new music of his former band from time to time, but he resisted. Knowing he’d miss them to the point he’d say a big fuck it and would call them. So he only checked a few articles here and there to see if they were doing ok. And they were. They were doing more than ok and he was genuinely proud of them. 

 

He was a music producer now, in America. Though he used an alias to stay out of the spotlight. He didn’t want his old fans to start digging in his privacy.

 

He snapped out his thoughts when he heard his name being called. He knew the source of the voice and his heart felt warm again by hearing it. Alice.

“ Hey baby. What were you thinking about? I was looking at you from afar and you were seriously spacing out.” 

Taking her hands in his and caressing them he shook his head “ nothing important.” 

“ You miss them don’t you? Don’t you think it’s time to pay a visit? I’m sure they miss you too.” 

“ Let’s not talk about this babe, come on, let’s go. I’m starving and you need to eat as well.” 

“ Ok, I’ll let you escape the topic since you played dirty by bringing food into this.” Alice laughed and his heart skipped a bit. Again. 

 

When he arrived at the states five years ago, he didn’t know anyone. Except for the person who he was going to work with at the studio from that point on, Alex. He would keep himself busy all day. Producing music, working out, sleeping, repeat. He couldn’t go out because people could recognize him, so he’d just stay inside. Alex noticed this after a while and offered him to come to hang out with his friends at the weekends. They’d go to nature so he was good as there weren’t many people in the places they’d go. There, he met Alex’s sister, Alice. A true sweetheart and after a year and a half of hanging out, he started to grow emotions for her. Emotions he didn’t know he still had in him. So he started to feel happy again. She was his savior and he loved her with everything he had. He’d tell her about his past, why he left and why he needed to ask her every once in a while if she still loved him. He told her from the beginning, that if one day she wanted to be with someone else, she should just go ahead and tell him. That it would be way better than to realize it or hear it in other ways. He couldn’t go through the same thing again.

 

“ What are you looking at?” Alice asked while eating her pizza

“ You. You’re my angel, did you know that?” 

“ Yeah mr. Mayer of the cheesy town. You have told me like three billion times.” 

“ Well, I still feel the need to say it again and again. You saved me. Literally.”

“ Ok where’s this all coming from? You’ve been acting weird today babe.” 

“ huuumm… nothing seriously, I don’t know why I keep having flashbacks and I’m feeling kind of strange. Like something is about to happen. Something out of my control.” 

“ Well, something is about to happen. We’re gonna have a baby in 6 months and you’re just panicking. No need to worry baby.” 

He laughed out loud and then put his hand on Alice’s stomach. “ yes, I’m gonna be a FATHER! And you’ll have two babies in your hand. I feel bad for you babe.” 

“ Good to know you know you’re still a child.” Alice leaned in and kissed him passionately. “ and to add to that, I’ll have two CRYBABIES. Imagine her crying and then you crying because she’s crying, cuz I know you would, and then me having to deal with the situation, but eventually I’ll end up crying as well.” they both laughed a little too loud at the restaurant. 

“ We’re really a mess Alice. I can’t believe we’re gonna be parents. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love you baby.” 

That’s when he heard a very familiar voice from aside.” Parents? “  oh, no. That was all that crossed his mind. oh.no. he carefully looked at the source of the voice. hyungwon. And behind him, the rest of the members. All staring at him.

He was way past the point of being a heartbroken loser. He had Alice now. But the fact that he left without a goodbye or any kind of heads up, made this situation extremely awkward and uncomfortable. He didn’t know what to say. How to react.

 

“ Answer me hyung, please.” 

“ Yes hyungwon. I’m gonna have a baby.” He took his eyes off of the latter and looked at the others behind him, slightly smiling. They were all ready to cry it seemed. He stood up and walked towards them, passing by hyungwon, standing in front of minhyuk.

“ Hey sunshine. It’s good to see you again.” 

He was met with the ‘sunshine’ ’s fist. Right in his face.

“ Don’t you fucking dare sunshine me. Why did you leave? No, why did you leave without saying anything?” 

“ I had no choice.” 

“ You could’ve stayed! You could’ve talked to us instead of keeping it all inside.” Kihyun snapped at him.

“ It’s all in the past now guys. I did what I thought was the right thing to do. I couldn’t say goodbye because I knew you would do everything to keep me there. And I didn’t want that. I couldn’t stay anymore. I’m sorry, I really am but that was the only option for me.” 

He felt someone grabbing his collar, he was met with hyungwon’s glassy eyes. “ when I asked you if you were leaving, you should’ve said yes. Then I could leave so you could stay. Do you know how it made me feel to know that I was the reason for you to abandon everything you ever loved? I felt like a piece of shit. I still do. I haven’t enjoyed a stage for a long time but I can’t leave cuz I feel like I’m in your debt. I have to stay because you left because of a worthless person like me. You know what you could do? You could kill me and that would be better than what you made me, no, made us go through.” 

Shown was the one who released hyungwon’s hands from him and then looked straight into his eyes. “ we really didn’t know what was going on when we got back home the day you left hoseok. Your stuff was gone, you were nowhere to be found. Three days after that, the company informed us you hadn’t refresh your contract when we all did that month. The fans were furious, did you know that? There was interview after interview about why you left so suddenly without a track and we didn’t know what to say so we just said you wanted a life out of spotlight.” 

“ I’m sorry for all the trouble you had to go through, but as I said, there’s was no other way. I’d do the same again.” 

“ no regrets, huh hyung? Are you happy you left us all behind?” Changkyun asked with sorrow painted all over his face.

“ I’m not happy about the way I ‘had’ to do it kyun but I’m not regretting it. I regret not controlling my emotions in the first place and fall in love with a band member although everyone kept telling me not to. But I don’t regret leaving because of where I am now. I’m happy with my job and I’m happy with Alice. i’m really sorry about everything. You guys were always there for me. I still hadn’t forgotten that.” 

“ So you regret being with me in the first place? Still, haven’t forgiven me I see.” 

“ Hyungwon, stop it. You’re making a scene and I don’t want to be seen with you guys here. It was hard to become invisible to the public’s eyes and I want to keep it that way.”

“ No, you answer me. I still haven’t moved on, but you… you’re gonna be a father.” Tears started rolling down hyungwon’s face and no matter how he had hurt him, he still couldn’t see his tears. He wiped hyungwon’s tears away while talking smoothly “ I regret it because it ruined everything. You made a choice and that led to a pile of fights and sleepless nights and it ended up the way it did. If I had controlled my feelings, you wouldn’t have fallen for me either. And you wouldn’t be in the state you are now. But it’s all in the past. I don’t think about it anymore. So you should move on as well.” Hyungwon hugged him ever so tightly. he hugged him back almost out of pity, cuz the state of the younger was really a mess. “ please tell me one thing, have you forgiven me?”

Hyungwon pulled back and looked at him “ have you?”

“ I’m not gonna lie to you hyungwon. I forgave you a long time ago but I still haven’t forgotten.” hyungwon nodded and let go of him completely. He took a deep breath and looked at the other guys. “ it was nice to see you again guys. I really missed you. I miss you even right now but I won’t hug you cuz I know I would never be able to let go again. Keep breaking charts. Fighting.” He smiled and turned to Alice “ let’s go babe.” 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi ~  
> i hope you enjoyed reading this!  
> make sure to check out my other stories as well ^^  
> comments are appreciated ^^


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